What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
