It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
