So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
