Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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