this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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