her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
