Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dicks are not precious.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
