Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
