On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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