fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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