Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
