Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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