New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
