conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
