the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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