Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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