I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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