So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I forget how to act sober
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