My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
