So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
