Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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