hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
