At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
