Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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