i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
