he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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