Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
