I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
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