so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
