I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
