I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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