I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
