I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
