sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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