I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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