I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
