i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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