I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
