I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
