the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
