dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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