never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
and you fell through a lawn chair
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
