I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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