he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
