The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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