just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
