The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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