Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
