Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
