Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
